Invisible, ignored, isolated: bisexuality in the 21st century

Earlier this year, Chappell Roan, a rapidly-rising queer pop singer released the song “Good Luck Babe” which took the internet by storm, but not without causing a heated debate on whether bisexual people get to relate to the lyrics.

The song’s lyrics refer to compulsory heterosexuality, which is the theory that heterosexuality is enforced and prioritised by society, leaving many queer people unable to tell the difference between who they are attracted to and who society tells them to be attracted to.

An instant hit with the LGBTQ+ community, the song was declared a lesbian anthem with a multitude of fans, including bisexual people, sharing how much they identified with it, but not without a wave of pushback. A vocal faction of LGBTQ+ people online has made claims that people of other sexualities, bisexuals in particular, could not possibly relate to the lyrics, triggering a war of words in the comment sections of TikTok. The impassioned arguments around Chappell Roan’s song reignited fresh discourse on bi-erasure, biphobia, and more broadly the general bisexual experience.

In light of this recent pop-culture development and as BiPride and Bisexual Awareness Week come to pass, there’s never been a better time to explore the unique challenges faced by the bisexual community.

Chappell Roan, Comphet, and Bi-erasure

TikTok comments discussing biphobia related to Chappell Roan's song. Source: Aleksandra Zolczynska via Canva.

The term compulsory heterosexuality, shortened to comphet, was coined in 1980 by Adrienne Rich, an American poet, essayist, and lesbian feminist.

In an essay, Rich talked about how in a patriarchal society, compulsory heterosexuality forced women into heterosexual roles, which led many lesbians to believe that they were attracted to men, or that they ought to be attracted to them.

Rich’s text aimed to inspire lesbian visibility and open up discussion on how compulsory heterosexuality affects everyone, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation, but its message was subsequently misrepresented in The Lesbian Masterdoc – a PDF document first published in 2018 on the social media platform Tumblr, believed to have been written by Anjeli Luz, a then high school student.

Hailed as the how-to guide for women trying to figure out whether they are truly attracted to men or simply experiencing comphet, the Masterdoc outlines various scenarios and statements, and those who relate to them may supposedly be lesbian. The document was widely criticised for excluding bisexuals, and for ignoring Adrienne Rich’s original point that comphet can hurt everyone, particularly women.

The Masterdoc went viral multiple times since its first emergence, before recently re-surfacing on TikTok and inspiring a faction of queer, and some straight, online users to claim that the term is exclusive to the lesbian experience with Chappell Roan’s song, Good Luck Babe, taking the centre stage in the discourse, leaving many bisexuals who relate to the song’s lyrics voicing their concerns over biphobia and bi-erasure within the queer community.

Anonymised comments on TikTok. Source: Aleksandra Zolczynska via Canva.

“I’ve been spending the last few weeks listening to Chappell Roan and thinking about sexuality”

Oliver Smith*, 28, a student from Sheffield, is one among many for whom Chappell Roan has triggered an emotional response and self-reflection.

He identifies as bisexual but is not open about his sexuality with everyone due to fears of how people might react.

Oliver said: “I’ve been spending the last few weeks listening to Chappell Roan and thinking about sexuality.” Having recently ended a long-term relationship with a woman, he started feeling some pressure to think more about his sexual identity.

He said: “I feel bad because I feel like bisexuality is not for me. Because I can ignore this side of me, and just be like, I'm attracted to women. In a way it’s a privileged position, because you could easily not have to deal with a lot of the things that you'd have to deal with if you embraced that identity.

“But then it feels like you've never really been truly yourself, and you're always hiding something.”

Pressure to feel attracted to the opposite sex is one of the ways compulsory heterosexuality can affect bisexuals, and make self-acceptance harder and all the more confusing.

According to a YouGov survey commissioned by Stonewall in 2020, only around 36% of bisexual people are out to all their friends, compared to 74% of gay and lesbian individuals.

Negative experiences with homophobic jokes from his family and insistence to pick a side from queer acquaintances have left Oliver unsure of how to come to terms with his bisexuality, and afraid of being openly bisexual.

He said: “I felt some pressure to come out before, sometimes it's been from people who are gay, who have been kind of pushing it and asking lots of questions.

“I was 19, and someone who was openly out talked about something that was related to them being out, and then they just kept trying to get me to say that I wasn't straight, and quite forcefully interrogated me, saying things like, well, you're not straight though. And back then it really scared me.”

Incidents of biphobia and bi-erasure like this are not unique. Over a third of people who identify as bisexual have experienced harassment, intimidation and insults, according to a YouGov survey commissioned by Stonewall in 2020. The findings also showed that 13% of respondents received unwanted sexual contact, and 9% were threatened with violence due to their actual or perceived bisexuality.

This year, a study of 110 bisexuals by Judith Velasco and colleagues found that 93% of participants experienced discrimination from heterosexual people, while 81% reported being discriminated against by lesbian and gay individuals, with the majority having experienced internalized binegativity which often occurs as negative perceptions about one’s bisexuality and the bi sexual orientation in general.

Rachel, 30, from Sheffield often deals with confusion and denial from people she comes out to. She is married to a man and is regularly accused of having picked a side by people.

She said: “When I first told people we were dating over a decade ago, I had multiple people tell me that they knew it was just a phase or never really believed I was queer. These are the same people who, for years, would make jokes about me being greedy.”

When Rachel got engaged to her now-husband, her mother confronted her about her sexuality.

She said: “She told me that I needed to settle down now and that, you can’t go around saying you like girls when you have a husband. My husband has always known I’m bi, and with him, it’s never been an issue.

“A while ago, he bought me a t-shirt that had a funny slogan about ‘the gay agenda’ on the front. When mum saw me wearing it around the house, she told me to go and take it off because it was disrespectful to him. When I told her that my husband was the one who’d bought it for me and that we both thought it was funny, she told me that she felt sorry for him, as I was clearly going to end up cheating on him with a woman.”

“She told me that I needed to settle down now and that you can’t go around saying you like girls when you have a husband."

The stereotype of a promiscuous bisexual is pervasive in society, with a multitude of research studies on bisexual stigma quoting promiscuity and infidelity as one of the most common beliefs attached to bisexual people. This attitude is present in the queer community too.

Rachel said: “I’ve heard both lesbians and gay men say that they wouldn’t date someone who’s bi because they assume they’d end up cheating or leaving them for someone of the opposite gender.”

While the LGBTQ+ community is widely regarded as a safe space for queer people to be authentically themselves, there is evidence to suggest that not all feel equally welcome, with bisexual people regularly feeling excluded as their queer identity is questioned, diminished, or outright disbelieved.

“He'll be gay in a week, he's just not processed it yet”

Sam Danson, 30, is a writer, performer, and producer based in Manchester. He is currently on his debut tour of BI-TOPIA, a coming-of-age theatre play about bisexuality and its links to mental health and masculinity.

The play, which he wrote and stars in, was created to highlight issues experienced by bisexual people that are not talked about enough.

Sam said: “I just want to get the word out there as much as possible about the issues that face bisexual people in particular, but also the issues that face the LGBTQ+ community on a wider scale.

“I really do want to increase and champion the bisexual voice, too. I think it's wild that it's one of the most common sexualities but one of the least talked about or seen in theatre or in the wider media.”

Sam Danson by Jason Locke.

Sam Danson by Jason Locke.

Like many other bisexual people, Sam has experienced bi-erasure and the pressures of compulsory heterosexuality, even from the queer community. He shares the sentiment that there is a societal expectation of “picking a side”.

He said: “That middle bit is kind of like ignored and forgotten about.

“One time when I first came out as bisexual, I was at a karaoke night and a Drag Queen was like, ‘Oh, so what are you, are you gay?’ Then I was like, ‘oh, I've actually just come out as bisexual’ and then she introduced me on stage as ‘Here's Sam, he'll be gay in a week, he's just not processed it yet’."

While he recognises the humorous intention behind the joke, he also worries that people might perceive him as using bisexuality as a halfway point in coming out as gay.

He said: “I also think a lot of the time, language within the LGBTQ+ community can be problematic, even if it’s on a casual basis. If I’m on a night out and talking to someone they’d say, ‘so are you gay or straight then?’ And it’d be a binary option. No one ever says, ‘Are you bisexual? Or ‘What’s your sexuality?’ It’s always, are you gay or straight?”

As a result of often subtle forms of biphobia and bi-erasure, Sam has experienced feelings of isolation.

He said: “I just gave myself a really hard time and I didn't feel like my feeling were valid.”

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Clare Whincup, 37, from South Yorkshire echoes a similar sentiment of isolation.

In the past, biphobia had affected her mood and outlook on life, leading her to only confide in people she trusts or other bisexual people.

She said: “I don't feel like it's a big impact on my mental health and wellbeing, but at the same time, I do feel that it has altered my behaviour significantly. I want to be proud of my identity and who I am but I find myself being more reserved.”

Over the years, Clare has experienced numerous negative incidents, including being questioned by her co-workers, denial of her sexuality by family members, and people centring her partner's feelings on the subject of her sexuality.

She has also felt erasure and dismissal from the LGBTQ+ individuals, recalling one specific incident that made her feel rejected from the queer community.

Clare said: “One person, after a meaningful chat at a pub, even went as far as to say, ‘and you've ruined it, bye’. They returned to their group of friends and told them of the whole encounter. They looked over, pulled a face and turned away. I left the pub immediately and never went back.

“I have also been questioned about my identity in regards to bi versus pan, and have been called transphobic for holding onto my bisexuality. To me, bisexuality includes any and all genders."

On occasion, Clare has felt that her relationships with men are perceived as her picking a side and consequently making her feel isolated from certain spaces.

She said: “I have experienced this pressure in more mainstream communities like clubs and bars. I feel a lot more comfortable and accepted in smaller, more intimate and authentic communities. Such as art groups, book clubs.

“I still struggle with the disconnect between my bi-ness, my relationships, and my identity. A lot of the time I feel like a fraud. That I don't actually belong here.”

Exclusion from LGBTQ+ spaces is just one example of the unique forms of discrimination that bisexual individuals may experience, which has significant effects on mental health.

"A lot of the time I feel like a fraud. That I don't actually belong here.”

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A study by Dr Alex Siu Wing Chan and colleagues, published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research in 2024, surveyed lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals in United States, and found that out of the three sexual orientations, bisexuals report “the highest levels of depression, drug abuse and dependence, suicidal tendency, and mental illness.”

In her book, Bi: the Hidden Culture, History, and Science of Bisexuality, Julia Shaw discusses previous studies that further confirm bisexual people’s higher risk of mental health problems such as depression or anxiety, compared to other sexualities.

Based on her research, Shaw argues that one of the key reasons for this is double discrimination – in other words, biphobia from both the heterosexual and LGBTQ+ communities, which in turn makes bisexuals less likely to be open about their sexuality or engage with the queer community.

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While bisexual individuals are less inclined to disclose their sexuality in general, being “out” seems to be a particular challenge in the workplace.

A UK Trades Union Congress (TUC) report published in 2019 found that 40% of bisexuals had not disclosed their sexuality to anyone at work, compared to 15% of lesbian and gay workers. Julia Shaw argues that this hesitation is partly due to double discrimination, and the negative perceptions of bisexuality as a less “appropriate” identity to disclose at work compared to homosexuality.

Clare in one of many who has been on the receiving end of such discrimination.

She said: “I have only come out in the workplace once in my life and it was not a positive one. It resulted in some intense questioning regarding what happens to my bisexuality when I get married, have a same sex relationship, or have a relationship with a someone who is trans. It was an exchange that felt more like an interrogation.”

According to the 2020 Sexual Harassment Survey conducted by the Government Equalities Office, lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals are 22% more likely to experience workplace harassment than heterosexual people. Bisexual people in particular are significantly more likely to be victims of harassment at work, according to the TUC report, with 30% of research participants having reported unwanted touching.

What’s even more concerning, 21% of participants reported experiencing sexual assault, and 11% victims of serious sexual assault including rape.

But things appear to be slowly getting better.

In 2023, a TUC report analysed experiences of LGBTQ+ individuals at work. It surveyed 16 workers, most of whom reported feeling that things are generally improving for gay and bisexual people in the workplace, with older LGBTQ+ workers feeling particularly positive about the direction of progress.

Henry, a headteacher and one of the survey respondents, said: “It's nothing like it used to be. When I was training to be a teacher back in the 90s, the person assessing me looked me dead in the eye and said, 'Look, I'm never going to pass you, I don't want your sort around children'. I’m a headteacher and an Ofsted inspector - you don’t hear about gay men hearing that sort of thing these days.”

Nonetheless, the report highlighted that homophobia and biphobia are still present in many professional environments, leaving many LGBTQ+ workers with low expectations of how they might be treated by their colleagues and bosses, with some describing the lack of harassment as very lucky.

While LGBTQ+ friendly workplace policies were a welcome development, many respondents felt they were not enough, pointing towards problematic workplace culture as a key factor in the risk of harassment and discrimination.

An expert's view

“The cultural suspicion around bisexuality means that bi people are often explicitly attacked or discriminated against with the assumption that they are confused, going through a phase, immature, or even greedy, untrustworthy or manipulative ,” said Meg-John (MJ) Barker.

MJ is a writer and zine-maker, known for a number of popular books on sex, gender, and relationships including Life Isn’t Binary, Rewriting the Rules, and the 2012 Bisexuality Report.

Prior to taking up writing full-time, MJ was an activist-academic and existential sex and relationship therapist for many years. With many academic books and papers published on bisexuality, they are a leading voice on the topic.

According to MJ, one of the key reasons why bisexual people tend to experience high levels of isolation, rejection, and poor mental health is the cultural dominance of the idea that sexuality is binary and hierarchical. Meaning, that people can only be either straight or gay, and that being straight is the “normal” default state, more acceptable than being gay.

On one side, bisexual people are marginalised for not being straight. On the other, they are invisible because bisexuality does not exist within the binary model, according to the writer.

MJ said: “Being seen and understood by others is vital for good mental health, and bi people are often invisible, or have their experience of themselves denied or dismissed by others.

“Being invisible also puts an additional burden on bi people to constantly come out if they want others to see them as they are, because people will often forget they are bi and assume they are straight or gay, on the basis of their current partner, for example. If you think about how challenging coming out once is, you can imagine how exhausting it is to have to keep doing it repeatedly.

“And there is the fact that bi people often feel they belong nowhere because they get double discrimination from both the straight world and from gay communities. It is very hard to be rejected by dominant culture and then be rejected again from alternative culture when you try to find belonging and support there.”

Compulsory heterosexuality is an additional way bisexual people experience societal pressure, and according to MJ, the denial that bisexual people struggle with compulsory heterosexuality, such as in comment sections of TikTok videos, can be very damaging.

MJ said: “All of our sexualities are shaped by the strong cultural norm that says it is best, or even essential, to be straight. That includes people who identify as straight and repress any queer feelings they might have, as well as gay and lesbian people who experience discrimination and marginalisation. Asexual people are hugely impacted by the pressure to be sexual within compulsory heterosexuality.

“For bi people, compulsory heterosexuality might manifest as pressure to deny their bisexuality and only allow, or act on, their attraction to the 'opposite gender'. For those who do this it takes a huge toll as there is a sense of being inauthentic or even living a lie - something we know is very isolating, and bad for both mental and physical health.”

When asked why some queer people feel so strongly about claiming the term compulsory heterosexuality for themselves, MJ said: “Unfortunately there’s often a sense in our culture that, in order to prove that things are hard for us, or that we need support, we have to deny that things are hard for other people, or that they might need support too.

“Understanding compulsory heterosexuality and its impact could help us find a place of solidarity, where we all fight alongside each other to promote better ways of understanding how sexuality works, and to ensure that no sexuality is regarded as inferior to any other. It’s tragic that battles about who compulsory heterosexuality impacts, or how bad it is for different groups, prevents us from working together in this way. Basically, compulsory heterosexuality is bad for everyone, whatever their sexuality!”

"Understanding compulsory heterosexuality and its impact could help us find a place of solidarity."

Further, MJ believes that LGBTQ+ support groups and organisations must be bi-inclusive in more than name only. They explain that LGBTQ+ organisations often get funding on the basis of findings like the fact that LGBTQ+ people have worse physical and mental health than straight and cisgender people.

They said: “However, only about 1% of that funding goes to bi groups, despite them being some of the ones in most need of it. This is because research and funding often lumps LGBTQ+ people together instead of recognising the higher need at the BTQ+ end of the acronym.

“It’s important to be aware of how many bi people may not yet feel safe to be open about their sexuality. Nearly half of young people say they are somewhere between being completely gay and completely straight, but far fewer feel able to be out as bi, pan or queer. This is often even more the case for those who are multiply marginalised, such as bi people of colour or disabled bi people.”

Turning bisexual stereotypes on their head

Of course, it’s not all doom and gloom. There are people all over the world who are fighting for bisexual visibility and trying to challenge negative social perceptions of and attitudes towards bisexuality.

One such person is Sam Williams, a comedian who has attracted over 54,000 followers on Instagram with his jokes and observations about bisexuality.

The 27-year-old Londoner’s content centres on his experiences of bisexuality through a mixture of stream of consciousness monologues and light-hearted social commentary about sexuality and gender.

His “Signs that you are bisexual” series turns bisexual stereotyping on its head by linking often ordinary everyday activities to the bisexual identity, with his comment sections full of people voicing how much they can relate to his videos.

Sam said: “It comes from a place of real love, just the bizarreness of bisexuality.

“The specificity of cultural references that are perceived as bisexual is really interesting, to the point where I can basically do anything in my own life, and then put that online and say that it's a thing all bisexual people do, and all bisexual people seem to agree.”

One of his most popular videos and one he gets messaged about the most is about the feeling of being an impostor that many bisexual people share, and the fear that one day he will realise that he was actually gay the whole time.

He said: “I get messages, especially from bisexual men, who are saying that my content really resonates with them. That makes me feel very happy. Providing optimism and a source of hope is great.”

In the past, Sam used to feel anxious about being bisexual, believing that his sexuality was directly related to the gender of his sexual partners, which is a common stereotype many people believe about bisexuality.

He said: “Heterosexuality is a such a rigid social invention and cultural and social identity, that anything that destabilizes or threatens it is treated as a thing that causes a lot of panic.”

Growing up in Maidenhead, a place he described as “conservative with a small c”, exposed him to homophobia from a young age.

He said: “There weren't visibly queer people around me growing up. The queer identities weren't really visible. And I think because of their invisibility, there was a feeling that it wasn't a good thing to be queer.”

He first started realising he was bisexual when he was 13, but for a long while he believed it was not an option.

He said: “There weren't visibly queer people around me growing up. The queer identities weren't really visible. And I think because of their invisibility, there was a feeling that it wasn't a good thing to be queer.”

He said: “I just felt like you could only be really straight or really gay, and being in the middle, or somewhere in between was very destabilizing.

“One of the good things about bisexuality is that destabilizing nature, the fact that it forces you to interrogate both cultures that you find yourself in between, but as a child in a fairly homophobic place, it's not good.”

Sam started doing stand-up comedy at university when he was 21, which eventually pivoted into queer topics such as sexuality and gender.

Thinking about his shows, Sam said: “I want as much of those rooms as possible to be people who aren't straight.

“People project how much they want me to be queer onto me. The benefit of that is that straight people will love what I do. My aim as a comic is always for it to be as broadly digestible and accessible as possible.

“I think as a tool for social change and upheaval, comedy speaks to people very plainly when at its best. So, with the online stuff, I like making things that are bisexual-specific, but that also might catch straight people off guard, and make them go 'oh, I do that'. And we're coming to realise that heterosexuality is a cultural identity is very limiting.”

Sam Williams talks about how and why he got into comedy.

Strength in community: advice and positive takeaways

Navigating identity and self-acceptance can often feel challenging, especially when faced with an excess of information, and sometimes misinformation, online. While it’s crucial to talk about the issues affecting the LGBTQ+ community and bring to light the injustices queer people experience in daily life, it’s also important to highlight uplifting stories and advice that might help someone on their journey of self-discovery.

Here, our interviewees share words of wisdom and advice for bisexual people struggling with self-acceptance, isolation, or those who simply want to hear some good news. Their views and experiences show that despite the obstacles, embracing who you are can bring joy and confidence to one’s life.

“Seek your people”

“The bisexual spaces within the LGBTQ+ community are like no other. The joint experiences and genuine community feeling in these spaces is unmatched.

“There's an unspoken understanding and we can just focus on enjoying each other rather than suffering judgement, questions, distance, etc. It just feels safer and easier when other bi folks are around.

“Seek your people. You can't force acceptance from others but you owe it to yourself to find your people. They'll love you. They'll lift you up. They'll advocate for you when you feel tired. You deserve love. So long as you are genuine to yourself, you true path will lay itself before you.”

- Clare Whincup

“Explore faith and what it can offer”

“I think that faith is an is an area that can be under explored. And I do think there's an amazing streak of queer organizations that are religiously inclined.

“In terms of queer identity and belonging, The Book of Queer Prophets is a good place to start with that. Explore faith and what it can offer. It can be more than, you know, crystals and stuff.

“Communal worship, with a good liturgical foundation that goes back thousands of years, has been a massive part of me coming to understand the fact that queer people have existed and shaped things like that since before history.”

- Sam Williams

“Go and meet those people”

“A lot of people have these exact same experiences and difficulties and the best thing you can do is spend as much time as possible with like-minded people and not get in your own head, thinking that you're wrong or strange because of the feelings that you're feeling.

“You can often feel alone if you're the only one in your friendship group or your family, but there are so many spaces where you will be one of hundreds or thousands who are like you, at places like pride or at LGBTQ+ community events or theatre, and it’s really important to go and meet those people or see that theatre, in order to feel heard and understood, and to understand yourself a bit more.”

- Sam Danson

“There is so much bi inclusive support out there”

“There are so many great resources for bi people available, and there is so much bi inclusive support out there. I’d highly recommend the recent anthology ‘It ain’t over till the Bisexual speaks’ by Lois Shearing and Vaneet Mehta - as well as other books by those two authors. The Bisexual Index and Biscuit are helpful resources. Bi Community News lists local groups. Also, most LGBTQ+ support organisations like London Friend or Mind Out are bi inclusive these days. There are more useful links on Stonewall’s Bi Visibility Hub.

"If any people are looking to explore their sexuality more, then my books on sexuality are hopefully a good place to start, including How to Understand Your Sexuality, and Sexuality: A Graphic Guide”.

- Meg-John Barker

^{Image sources:}

^{Feature image by Geralt}^{via Pixabay.}
^{LGBTQIA+ by Alexander Grey}^{via Unsplash.}
^{Sam Danson holding a flag by Grant Archer.}
^{Sam Danson with a flipchart by Jason Locke.}
^{Clare Whincup by Clare Whincup.}
^{2 Women Sitting on Black Sofa by TienDat Nguyen}^{via Unsplash.}
^{Therapy Psychologist Waiting Room by BiancaVanDijk}^{via Pixabay.}

^{* Some names have been changed to preserve anonymity.}